Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in brokenwing6794's LiveJournal:

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Monday, December 5th, 2005
10:01 pm	Sweet, but...umm... Me: *puts phone down* Mom: Who was that? Me: Kimberley. Mom: Ah, how is she? Me: *thumbs up sign* *grins* Mom: Wow... Me: What? Mom: She cheered you up! Me: *nods* Mom: Do you think we should adopt Kimberley? Me: *thinks for a long time* Yes. Mom: Maybe she's not up for adoption... Anyways, my point is, firstly, that my family is mildly crazy, and secondly, Kimmie, I am in debt to you for cheering me up at the end of a hideous afternoon/evening :) So thanks :) Oh, and for anyone I've talked to about this, there will be no Edinburgh Festival appearance by me, which is sad, but saves you all a trip to Edinburgh, which I suppose is economical. Wow, it's been a long time since I've updated this!! Off to finish up Biology cursework, then...XxXxX Current Mood: drained but contented (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 15th, 2005
7:07 pm	Birthday Wish List!! Heylo, all :) This is quite a selfish post, really, but people have actually asked me what I would like for my birthday, and so this is also designed to help YOU! YES, I am talking to YOU *points* :):) So here it is: - pretty, dangly earrings... nothing too mass-produced or heavy... if in any doubt go to Ally Lulu [little jewellery/bag/shoe shop on Green Street] and split the cost with several other people, or Ark (A) - heart-shaped postcard/picture holder from Ark... again, this is only one for people who want to club together and spend a little more money overall :$ No worries if none of you are that way inclined :) - a pretty cushion... again, nothing too mass-produced (A) lol. I'm not sure about the prices of those, so if they are expensive, no worries, again :) - anything else incredibly pretty from Ark - anything typically *16* (and no, as has been discussed, this does not mean two candles, one in the shape of a 1 and the other in the shape of a 6... as nice as those are) (and yes, I am serious, I would appreciate the joke. And I'll pretend not to have set it up myself by asking (A)) - if you lack inspiration, money is always a lovely thing to have ;) - a birthday card with a badge that says something along the lines of "Birthday Girl" or "16 Today" or "16" Well, there we are... If you've already done your own shopping, or you don't want to get me anything at all, that is entirely okay :) Come along on Saturday at 8pm with a huge smile and a pleasing personality - that is all I really ask of you all :) Sparkle and believe XxXxX Current Mood: relaxed (Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 1st, 2005
6:02 pm	Welcome to the world, Rye Hudson! A little bit late, but I felt that I should make an entry to honour the birth of my cousin's beautiful baby boy, who has the most bizarre name known to man [see above]. He was born on October 29th, completely healthy and rather huge :D *Shows off the baby*--> http://rock.smugmug.com/gallery/911803/1/42373137 Now say "aww". In other news, I held my first proper party thingy, which is good, since everyone else has either done parties or gatherings... I was quite proud :) Things went reasonably well, I think... The house didn't get too trashed, which is nice lol, and people weren't too drunk, although we did use up quite a bit of wine :O There are still breadcrumbs littering my balcony, but no harm done :) Now I have to plan a crazy 16th birthday party :O :O (suggestions are welcome). XxXxX Current Mood: happy (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, September 10th, 2005
10:13 pm	Your Deadly Sins Envy: 80% Pride: 80% Gluttony: 40% Greed: 40% Lust: 40% Wrath: 40% Sloth: 20% Chance You'll Go to Hell: 49% You will die in a duel. How Sinful Are You? (Comment on this)
10:02 pm	Scorpio - Your Love Profile Your positive traits: You're red hot passion makes anyone you date feel extremely wanted Loyalty, to the point of doing anything to protect your lover You are mysterious and charismatic - and you easily draw people in Your negative traits: You tend to be paranoid and think that the worst is going on with your lover You turn cold and mean at the first sign of conflict in relationship You sometimes become obsessed with dates - so much so that you develop jealousy early on Your ideal partner: Someone who will take the time to win you over. Not an easy task! Is able to keep up with your carnal appetite... lots of stamina needed. Reassures you of their love and loyalty on a daily basis. Your dating style: Intense. You prefer to stay in with take out and conversation - so that no one else is distracting you and your date. Your seduction style: Hot. New partners have trouble believing that your libido is for real. You have incredible sexual intuition - you always know what your lover craves A bit bossy. You know what you want, and you certainly aren't afraid to ask for it. Tips for the future: Don't be so secretive with your love - they want you the way you are Let go of your jealousy. Your partner has chosen *you* Spend more time alone, doing things you love. It will help you be less obsessive. Best place to meet someone online: eHarmony - your best bet at screening out untrustworthy people Best color to attract mate: Dark red Best day for a date: Tuesday Get your free love profile at Blogthings. Some of that is so so so so so me!! I love my star sign :D XxXxX Current Mood: calm (Comment on this)
Saturday, September 3rd, 2005
8:37 pm	Pretentious-sounding anorexic rant: Oh, and before anyone thinks about posting any comments on this, especially any that have any direct reference to my weight or general appearance, please reconsider the implications of this and do not post. Or say anything to me EVER about any of the above topics. While it may sound alright to anyone "normal" who is reading this, comments such as "You're not fat, Emma, you're fine" are definitely NOT acceptable. If you don't understand and can't empathise with that, at least try to respect my feelings and/or sympathise with whatever twisted logic going on in my mind means that I don't want to hear things like that. Who's lost yet? :P This Monday is our next meeting with the random therapist person who has decided to enter my life and stay in the picture for about two and a half years without being of any use to me. And he looks like Tony Blair, which just doesn't help anyone, or do anything beyond being mildly disconcerting. That may or may not have been incorrect grammar. Does it matter? (says she with the English Language GCSE *rolls eyes*) Anyways, getting back to the rant I do intend to have at some point in this entry, the afore mentioned fast approaching meeting means that this past week I have been practically force fed like... like a very very obese person who is being force fed. Should that be hyphenated? Shut up, Emma. So to continue with my original point... There is blubber literally hanging off my arms and bulging around my legs and I have a pot belly and my cheeks are all blown up like a giant hamster. I have not yet noticed any positive effects of what is probably mass weight gain (come Monday I shall have this confirmed for myself), such as eyes that are not sunken or an end to the rapid growth of excessive body hair *scowls at huge, hair-covered arms*, which you might expect from getting back to a "healthy" weight, although I have probably overshot that by a million miles and become bulging and overweight. I can't decide whether I should just resign myself to this inevitability of becoming huge and ugly or whether to give in to the horrible voice in my head saying "loooooooose weight, you huge and ugly individual". The former means I would hate the way I looked for the rest of my life; the latter, while it would temporarily help me out in the aesthetic side of life, would eventually result in irreparable infertility, failing organs, thinning of bones, and a nasty death. So clearly that would be the wrong choice. It seems very unfair, though, that having a normal life should come at the price of being obscenely fat. Just yesterday and today I seem to have gotten back to that stage where I'm more grateful for being able to fall asleep at night and forget about all of this than for anything else, and when I wake up in the morning I wish I hadn't, and all the horrible torturing anorexic thoughts come flooding back the second I open my eyes. That's what I remember as being the worst of it when I was first ill... Admittedly, it's nowhere near as strong as it used to be, although the feelings in general are, probably because it is not worsened by exhaustion or starvation, but it still feels unbearable. I am enveloped in fat and I have to feel its heaviness all over my body and see how it has obscured my figure whenever I look at myself. It doesn't feel like there's anywhere to escape from it. A lot of the time it doesn't feel as though it will ever go away. I've always looked back on my childhood and thought how happy it was, but when I think back more carefully, people have been telling me I'm fat my whole life, and that has always been an issue. Maybe it didn't occur to me to do anything about it when I was younger - I just thought that was how things had to be, or something. (Seemingly, that is how things have to be anyway, at this point). I think that I need somebody to save me, but I know that I reject any attempts people make to try to. I can see that, at the end of the day, it has to be me who makes the change and I have to put in my part to get better or else it will never happen. It's amazing, because a lot of people point out that it gives me a lot of power over the people who are close to me... like, all I have to do is stop eating and it terrifies people. Not a lot of people, but it has a large impact on my family. Anything they see as counter-productive in terms of getting better makes my dad angry, my mum cry and my brother more worried than anyone should have to be at his age. I feel terrible for giving him so much responsibility - he always seems to feel like he has to look after me when I'm upset about these kinds of things, and he looks so genuinely worried. I can see him 30/40 years from now sitting in a psychiatrist's office explaining his traumatic childhood and how home life was always distressing because his older sister was mad. But to pick up my last thought... from an outsider's perspective, I can exercise a lot of control over other people simply by not eating, but ultimately I'm so trapped by it. It might seem crazy to anyone who doesn't really know first hand what I'm on about, but the drive to lose weight and everything that goes along with that is so strong that sometimes I'm too exhausted to try to resist it. It's a relentless personal struggle. I apologise for how pretentious that sounds, but it's true. In fact, I doubt if any of you have read this far at all - I certainly don't blame you, I have been rambling on about the same useless things for a while. I think I am a little bit hysterical. I am also resigned in a certain way. Tomorrow I have to weigh myself and there's nothing else I can do now to change what the scales will say. I'll have to deal with the fact that I have (probably) put on huge amounts of fat. I don't like having to deal with that on my own... Well, it's more having to deal with the fear of it before I get weighed. I can't talk to my parents, because their fear is the opposite: that I haven't put on the weight I was supposed to and on Monday they'll take me into hospital. And wouldn't that be a complete joke... me among all these skinny, delicate girls, crying my heart out over how obese I look while the other poor emaciated patients worry about real problems that they, for some reason, interpret in their minds as feeling fat, and take it out on themselves. I'm not like those other girls, even though I have been led to believe that all anorexics have an incredibly similar general pattern of thinking and of being. Well, that's the end of that for now. Current Mood: indescribable (9 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 31st, 2005
10:09 am	Yesterday was pretty much a perfect day. Our film [To Somebody's Whoever] went off to the Turner Classic Shorts Festival (that's 'shorts' as in short films, rather than the item of clothing, in case it needed clarification), so fingers crossed!! I am incredibly excited... I haven't seen the finished product yet, but Anna's having a premier for the cast and crew and everyone soon :D :D :D :D :D I feel very accomplished, though :D :D I finished up my school shopping as much as I'll be able to before we start back... I did want to buy some more shirts/t-shirts, but my parents bought me a £75 bag and I felt quite guilty about asking for anything else after that!! :$ :$ *Feels spoilt* Continuing with wonderfully productive things, I finished up all of my history coursework, including some things that needed correcting, and emailed it off, which is a huge weight off my mind. The evening was lovely. Nicola, Jess, Lizzie and I went to Phil's for a few hours... We talked (I learned of some mildly disturbing relationship choices on Lizzie's part, but as long as she's happy... :)) and played ping pong lots, which is surprisingly therapeutic :) It was so lovely to see Lizzie and Jess again after a loooooooooong time, and always lovely to see Nicola and Phil :) Ohh, and just to update everyone... We're going to see "You and Me and Everyone Else We Know" at the Arts Picturehouse, meeting at 4.40pm (the film starts at 5pm) so anyone who feels friendly and sociable and in the mood for a movie, do come along!! (If we know you. Otherwise leave us alone, you stalker!!) Hope to see lots and lots of people there :) XxXxX Current Mood: good (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, August 26th, 2005
10:12 pm	A modern story with an outdated moral So I got all the skin waxed off my face today. The moral to this story, boys and girls, is that beauty is pain. (See what I mean?) All I can say is that I'd better be extremely beautiful one day. If anyone would like more grossly inappropriate details about my life, please register or call 555 6207. XxXxX Current Mood: awake (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, August 25th, 2005
11:44 am	GCSEs A* in English AAAAAAAAAAAND an A* in the Science exam, with FULL MARKS!!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!! :D :D :D *Glows with pride* I was so so so so so nervous opening the envelope!! I can't imagine what I'll be like next year *blushes slightly* hehehe. So how did you all do????????????????????? Everyone post!! XxXxX Current Mood: elated (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, August 5th, 2005
10:34 am	Soulmates Prompted by a radio discussion I just heard: who (if anyone) believes in *the one*? Not necessarily fate or destiny, but ONE person you're supposed... ah, okay, it is all about fate/destiny... to spend your life with? Personally, I think it's a lovely ideal, but too riddled with flaws to work. And obviously fate doesn't exist. One person [on the radio] was making quite a strong case for it, though... quite interesting in an unbelievable sort of way :) Anyway, thoughts, please: XxXxX Current Mood: good (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 2nd, 2005
1:58 pm	Oooh, I just had my first professional waxing experience (oh yea, hi everyone, I'm safe from hospitalis/zation for now!! :D :D), which was very very positive. The pain is absolutely nothing when you consider how much people go on about it hurting... If this is too much information for anyone, feel free to stop reading now :D But anyways, I was rather proud of myself for facing up to the potential pain and everything :D And now I have pretty, smooth legs (A) *glows* So generally life is wonderful atm... Except that I have this small mound of coursework wanting to be done, and I can't really find the motivation within myself to actually get down to it. And I really should... :S I'm sure I had much more to say (which is generally the case with these journal entries) but it turns out I really don't, so I will bid you all farewell *bids journal readers farewell* XxXxX Current Mood: happy (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, July 28th, 2005
11:02 pm	Hmm, haven't made an entry here in some time... I'd say life has been too crazy, but really I've just been boxed up in my own house for quite a while and so have no real excuse. I just haven't been near my computer all that much. Today was rather luffly... Sarah had a happy happy birthday party and I made a prettyful chocolate cake and all our old Mayfield lot were there (minus Kimby :( plus Nick Rayner and Sally Morris :D)Then we all went our seperate ways, and Alice, Katie, Kimmie and I all met up again later on Jesus Green, when the weather actually started behaving like some approximation of summer weather, which is nice, FINALLY *rolls eyes* But anyways, it was very very cool to catch up on things and generally hang out and have lots of fun :D In other news, we're checking out private therapy, which hopefully will be a breakthrough in some way or other. I saw my first private therapist person today, who seemed very nice, and genuinely interested in his patients, which makes you feel better about the whole thing, really. So with that countering the imminent threat of hospitalis/zation this Monday, my whole situation is quite confusing. I'm not sure what to think of it, really... My family are looking after me very well, my doctors are threatening me, most of you reading this are mostly indifferent as I haven't worried you with it yet (incidentally, there is no point in worrying because I have a feeling I can at least blag my way out of it if the worst comes to the worst... God, this gets more and more vague as I go along). Anyways, moving from sad news to much sadder news, I missed The L Word yesterday because I was babysitting in a house with only 5 channels *rolls eyes... again* and my parents tried to tape it for me but it turned out not to have worked, meaning I have to wait until it's reshown on Monday, which is just incredibly upsetting, to be honest. This rant was planning on going places, but I am rather tired now, so I'm off to get my beauty sleep :) Love y'all (K) *blows kisses* XxXxX Current Mood: grateful (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, June 23rd, 2005
4:36 pm	:O:O:O I'm gonna be a movie star!! :D I think I began an entry like this some time ago... But it has become true again!! I am making my film festival debut in a film directed by the fiancé of one of the Whizz Kids directors, who has written a script based on the last show we did with her au Welwyn Garden City. So that is all very exciting :D :D I am also doing some voice recordings for a show she is doing atm, in some recording studio in Ely, which would sound glamorous were it not for the fact that it's in Ely. *Bounces around* I feel so special :D Well done to me!! XxXxX Current Mood: bouncy (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 14th, 2005
10:50 pm	An important announcement... The L Word is coming back tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D :D :D New season!!!!!!!!!! :D :D :D YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D :D :D God, I have missed that... My life makes sense again :) (Over-reacting? Me?!?!) Current Mood: excited (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, June 10th, 2005
10:58 pm	Oh. My God. I finished my first ever GCSE. I'm a grown up!!!!!!!! *Yelps* Aaaaaaaaaaand... It wasn't that hard!!!!!!!!!! God, everything is crazy!! So, one down and about a billion to go *sigh* Sadly I also have a fuckload of coursework and other pointless varieties of work to get done now, as well as learning lines for various dramatic undertakings. But the busier the better, as a general rule, so I shouldn't really complain (A) Ooh, and I did try to do that survey thing, with highlighting the true statements and all of that, but I had difficulty posting it :$ :$ So that's here in spirit, with very honest answers :) XxXxX Current Mood: okay (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, June 6th, 2005
8:59 pm	Wheeeeeee I finished my history essay :D I don't think I have ever had occasion to write 'demagogic' before. How exciting. Also, I am fucking nervous about weighing myself tomorrow *rolls eyes* but it is not having a bad effect on my mood, which is probably a first, so I am rather proud :D Current Mood: accomplished Current Music: Rufus Wainwright - Hallelujah (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, June 5th, 2005
10:15 pm	Phew! Uncovered it :D Incidentally, I was wrong... Had my parents found it, they would have known immediately about the knife side of things. Just in case there was any confusion, it is, I have just now discovered, helpfully labelled "knife". I am absolutely serious. Current Mood: amused (2 Comments |Comment on this)
4:42 pm	Fuck. I lost my lighter. Shitshitshitshitshit. *Breathes* *Calms down* It's not so much that I'm worried about not having it (although I really am quite attached to it), but if my parents come across it before I do, it just doesn't bode well for me. Then again, they'd probably be more mystified than worried... "Oh my God! Is this a knife? Um... No, it's blunt...Definitely too blunt for a knife... Ohmygod it's a lighter!!...Wait, no, doesn't light. What is this useless piece of metal?" Current Mood: notahappybunny (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, June 3rd, 2005
12:39 pm	Just when I thought my day couldn't get better... ... my mom called me in town with my blood test results. Everything is PERFECT :D :D I am not even anaemic, which apparently the rest of my family are slightly, lol... I may be about the healthiest person I know *beams* Actually, I think I may just be magical :D :D Keep believing XxXxX Current Mood: good (4 Comments |Comment on this)
6:00 am	Oh my. I am in an appallingly good mood. If I weren't so happy I would be annoyed with myself. I'm sure it is irritating everyone else... You know those people who are ALWAYS happy? They just want a good slap, don't they?! Well, I am shamelessly behaving like one of them. Everything that happens manages, in my mind, to be converted to something good. It is very odd. The other day I was having crazy crazy mood swings in a way that was like a caricature of the way most girls experience PMS, and something has stopped me in the midst of one of my up-swings and kept me there. For a long long time. But hey, who's complaining? :D I also feel appallingly healthy. All bouncy and glowing. :D :D And beautiful (A) I am a vision in black with just a hint of green today... And no, Kimberley, this does not make me a goth-type person *screws up nose* it makes me deeply sophisticated and sexy and dressing in a flattering colour without going anywhere near the whole goth look *shifty pointed glances at Kathryn* Ooh, okay, I was wrong, I do have one thing to complain about: WHERE are all my best girlfriends when I need you?!?!?! I really feel the need to go shopping and gossip about boys and make-up. Actually I have been doing A LOT of shopping recently. And planned out my purchases for the next six months or so, probably. But I've been doing it all alone. It was more out of necessity, really... Something to counter the fact that I am spending too much time with my male friends, lol (not that I am complaining about THAT, because it is very much fun - it's more the arm-wrestling, gun-shooting side of me it has uncovered, which scares me somewhat. In a good way [see above paragraph]). Well, anyways, I'm going to scuttle off and do some Chemistry revision. Which really will be the test of this good mood thing... Peace, love & hope Keep believing XxXxX Current Mood: ecstatic (7 Comments |Comment on this)